The Second Look - Respect

Respect means to Re-Inspect; or to take a Second Look.

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Often our First Look at something or someone is functional, utilitarian and practical. What or who is it? Often we use our ‘lenses’ to view the object or person. E.g.: what does this ________ mean to me (according to my history, culture, experience, religious views, world view etc.)? Sadly, often the first gaze is manipulative. We automatically interpret (intentionally or unintentionally) how we can use that person or object for our own objectives or gain. “Is this thing useful to me or not?” If it's not useful to me - I'll generally dismiss it. Sadly, when we dismiss it, or rush on by, we miss the beauty in these objects.

When we meet people, we make automatic assumptions about who they are in relation to ourselves. Are they better or worse? Richer or poorer? Smarter or uglier? What color are they? What religion are they? Do they share my views or not? Much of this in-built response originally had to do with safety; but sadly, in our modern society has become more about acceptability. Our judgments on ourselves or others all come from this First Look.

The Second Look, however, is to learn to see something apart from my world or my-self. It is a willingness to gently and kindly detach from my self-image or need. It has nothing to do with my preferences (whether I prefer this thing or that thing). It is to look at an object or person with respect. This person or object (even this situation) – no matter how perfect or imperfect, contains beauty and integrity if I allow myself to see it.

Even, and especially, if the "thing" in front of you is a situation or a person that is causing you discomfort; the Second Look is extremely important. Acknowledge the first look. What is triggering me about this person or situation? Where is my emotional reaction stemming from? Pause, Breathe. Take a physical or emotional step back. Take a second look - maybe from a different angle. Maybe get someone else to help you get a different perspective. When we acknowledge and move through the emotional reaction of the first look, then we are able to see differently and act from our wise mind. We get the gift of being able to see, experience and understand aspects that we couldn't before. 

So, no matter what you have in front of you, allow yourself to take a Second Look.

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Pause, Breathe.

Acknowledge all the input from your First Look. Sometimes this will be thoughts, feelings, memories or impulses. Its ok, it’s normal. Let it go. Return yourself to the present moment.

Pause, Breathe.

Re-Inspect what is in front of you. Look at the details. Allow yourself to feel wonder.

Note: try going for a walk in nature using the Second Look. Slow down. Really SEE things – it’s a wonderful experience!

Have Fun! 

Lexi x

New Growth from Old Beans

Hi Friends! 

Today is Mental Health Day 2017. I'd like to dedicate this post to everyone who has ever struggled with mental health issues; and to those beautiful souls who support people struggling in this area.

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Recently, we've had the privilege of moving onto a beautiful piece of land. In my exploration of the gardens I found some dried-up old seed pods - I had a hunch they were some kind of bean. I was on the verge of throwing them away when I decided to plant them and see if they would grow. I had an empty pot on the deck so I threw them in there and gave them some water. Sure enough, in a very short period of time I saw green shoots peeking through the soil. Now, just a few weeks later, this is what has happened! 

So I was sitting on the deck this morning, looking at my beans and thinking about Mental Health Awareness Day. It occurred to me that the creative genius of our humanity is that we have the ability to make something beautiful and good out of something old and scabby and broken. 

Let me explain. Everyone has things that have happened to them or things that they have done that they would like to toss away on the garbage heap - like my old bean pod. Often we would like to forget these things (because they're painful to look at); so we go to huge lengths to cover them up and pretend they don't exist. But they do exist, and the more we try to avoid them the bigger they get. 

So each time an "old bean-pod" surfaces we have a choice. We can stuff it back down keep trying to pretend it doesn't exist; or we can hold it gently and kindly, examine it; and do the following: 

Plant those beans in the soil of tenderness and courage. Tenderness to be kind to yourself and courage to go to the places you are afraid to go to. 

Water the beans with tears as you grieve. As you move through sadness and pain, it leaves the soil fertile for new things to grow. 

Pull out any weeds that threaten to choke the new growth. Capture those negative thoughts with which you criticize and condemn yourself. Throw them on the rubbish heap - they have no place in your new garden. The more attention you pay to tending your garden, the easier it is to keep it weed-free!

Enjoy the process! Yes, it takes effort and sometimes you have to get your hands dirty, but there is also beauty in each stage. Make sure you notice everything! Let yourself get excited and celebrate each new sign of growth.

Enjoy the fruits of your garden. All of a sudden you'll look back and find that the things that used to cause you pain don't anymore. The thing that happened is still there but it no longer has the power to ruin your day. Not only that, but the process you have been on has given you wisdom and strength. You're more compassionate and less judgmental with yourself and others. You're able to see joy in things both big and small. When challenges come, you know you can handle them. You have hope. You have life. 

Today I encourage you to pause, breathe and notice something beautiful that is in or around you right this moment. 

If you are struggling in the area of Mental Health I send you my warmest thoughts. Please don't walk this journey alone. I encourage you to reach out to those around you who are trained to guide you through this. Take some hope with you today - there is life on the other side of this; and no matter how powerless you feel, you have within you the creative genius to turn this struggle into something beautiful and good. 

Arohanui,

Lexi x

P.S. Here are some links that you can check out if you are struggling and need some support: 

• http://www.thinkladder.com/

• https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/

• https://www.lifeline.org.nz/

Radically Accepting the Good

Well, this seems self-explanatory enough doesn't it?? We all like 'good things' and we're pretty happy about receiving them. But how much do we actually let ourselves enjoy these things?

Have a think about how much time you spend worrying about life. Do you spend the same amount of time thinking about everything that is good in your life?

Have a think about the last time you received a compliment. Did you allow yourself to bask in it and feel good about yourself, or did you discount it; or quickly send a compliment back?

Have you ever had the experience of receiving mostly good feedback for something? Which feedback did you obsess over? The negative ones right?  

I read a study recently, where neurologists had discovered something intriguing about the brain. If we receive a piece of negative information (a criticism, an insult etc.) it attaches instantly to our brain like with Velcro. However, when we receive a compliment or an encouragement, it slides easily out of the brain, like water off Teflon. This is why we can remember (often with great clarity) times over the years when someone has said something mean to us - but we're hard-pressed to remember times when they've complimented us.

Often, if we have strong negative internal beliefs, we can find looking at the positive very difficult. It's almost like we filter out the good; and look for, (then hold onto) only the negative: the sad, the anger and the hurtful things in life.

The ONLY way for us to balance this out; the only way to make the good stuff stick as tightly as the bad - is to Contemplate! So what does this mean?

It means this: if I want the next compliment that someone gives me to stick and make a difference in my day - I have to sit and let myself contemplate it (think about, ruminate on, mull over, enjoy, feel in my body) for at LEAST 15 seconds. Yup, that's right. I have to concentrate on the good for it to stay with me.

We can follow the same steps of Radical Acceptance here in a positive way:

1. Name and describe the "good thing" in as much detail as possible.
2. Experience it! How does it make you feel; how does it feel in your body?
3. Allow this "good thing" to change your day for the better.

Here are some things that help me to slow down and contemplate a bit. I'd love to hear it if you have any other ideas!

• Practice slowing down. We all live too fast. Even when we find a minute to go slow, we're usually distracted with our devices. Pause. Breathe. Look around. Find something beautiful or interesting to look at and enjoy it for at least 15 seconds. Notice things. Use your senses.
• Celebrate your wins well, (big or small). Take time to mark the occasion in a meaningful way.
• Practice accepting compliments and saying "thank you;" (without always complimenting back and without verbally or internally discounting it). Let the compliment wash over you and allow yourself to feel happy.
• Begin your morning with gratitude. Even (and especially) on the worst day, find at least 5 things that you can be grateful for.
• Smile at someone random on the street. See what it does in their face when they return the smile.
• Write your compliments or achievements down in a special place. When you need a 'pick me up' you can go back and re-read it for some positive perspective.
• Remind yourself that negative feedback or making mistakes has nothing to do with who you are as a person! Look at the feedback. Can you learn anything positive from it? If not, let it go.

Here's some practice for you: I'm about to give you a compliment. Yes, I might not know you at all, but it is within my rights as a fellow human being to give you a compliment anyway. As you read your compliment, let the words wash over you. Let them sink in. Contemplate them. Enjoy them. Notice how the words make your body feel. Read it out loud to yourself. Acknowledge the negative thoughts that creep in then let them go. Focus on the positive. Repeat.

"You are a wonderful person! There is, and will only ever be one of you on this planet. You Matter. What you do and say and think and feel Matters. You are powerful and brilliant! You have the ability to change not only your life - but the lives of those around you. The life of this planet. You are Good!"

Enjoy,

Lexi x

Going There......

Last week we talked about radical acceptance. Ouch! Some things really hurt don't they!? Today's blog is hopefully going to practically help us move forward in the process of acknowledging our pain and moving through it. (Instead of stowing it somewhere and letting it fester and grow).

There are three main times we can allow ourselves to 'go there.' The first is in the midst of the triggering moment. The second is before the triggering moment and the third is, of course, after it.

(By the way, when I talk about a triggering moment here, I'm NOT talking about an incident where our actual safety is in jeopardy. Safety Always comes first! On the other hand, if it is an unsafe situation, you could still use some of these techniques to keep calm and take action!)

Let's start with Before...

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Setting ourselves up well is quite possibly the most important gift we can give ourselves. Getting into the habit of caring for ourselves physically, emotionally and spiritually means that when triggering events happen, we have the resilience built up to handle things well. Eating well, sleeping well, turning our phones off, being in community and relationships, exercising - all these things are important for our mental health.

Take a moment and look at your life, your routines and your general health. Are there any areas that you can see that are out of balance? What small steps could you take today to help move you towards better health?

Another huge factor in the 'before' stage is practicing being in the moment; and practicing being in our bodies. As humans, we have the ability to observe our thoughts. We can think about what we're thinking about! The more we can slow down and silence the constant busyness of our brains and listen to this part; the more we are able to make a good decision in the moment; and the more we are able to be at peace - despite the circumstances. Mindfulness, grounding, learning correct breathing, pilates, yoga, meditation, contemplative prayer; all these practices are brilliant at helping us still our minds and release tension from our bodies.

In the Moment:

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In the moment refers to when we are triggered - or our buttons have been pushed. Something has happened; or someone has said something; and we are reacting! We might be experiencing strong emotions - anger, fear, shock, outrage, sadness. Often our adrenaline response is triggered so we are having strong physical reactions: heart racing, breathing shallowly and quickly, can't think straight, energised, shaky, sweaty etc. This is the Fight, Flight, Freeze response. We might want to run away, get angry and fight; or we might be frozen - unable to say or do anything.

Emergency 111 care is simple but profoundly effective: STOP, PAUSE, BREATHE!

When we stop what we're doing or saying; pause and take a deep breath; we are able to slow down the adrenaline response and prevent ourselves lapsing into protective behaviour. (This means doing the same thing we've always done - and getting the same result: anger, verbal retorts, avoidance etc.). The pause allows us to engage the 'observer' part of our brain. "Wow, what's going on here? I'm feeling really _______!"

Often, in the moment, we don't have time to spend a while pondering what's going on. However, noticing that something is happening, pausing and breathing gives us the opportunity to step back from reacting - even if it's just for a second. From that place of noticing, we can then choose an alternative action. "I see something's happening for me now; I know there's probably more going on that just this situation. I don't want to act in a way that will hurt myself or someone else - so I'm going to do something different." Ask for a time-out and then organise a time to meet and talk it out calmly. Agree to disagree. Change the tone of your voice. Step back from an argument. Say no, calmly. Say yes, calmly. Put in a boundary. Use any tools you have learned to help you in this situation. Separate the present from the past.

It's important to realize that, while our emotions can often feel overwhelming in the moment, we're actually ok - and they won't last forever. When we push our negative thoughts and feelings away; we're actually making them stronger. However, when we allow ourselves to sit in them, breathe through them, and feel them in our bodies - something incredible happens: they fade! They don't last forever - they'll slowly subside. As we allow them to be - we are able to slowly let ourselves heal. This takes incredible courage - but it's worth it!

Stop Pause, Breathe means you get to be powerful in your action, not powerless in your reaction!

after the moment

So something has happened. Maybe we noticed it in the moment and reacted well - maybe we didn't. Whatever happened - it happened. Radical Acceptance. The most important thing here is not to get stuck in shame or blame. Take the time to process what has happened - so next time we're more prepared.

Here's some tips for doing that:

Find some ways to express what you're thinking and feeling: Journal it, draw it, talk it out with someone safe, do some physical exercise. It's important to keep the focus on yourself here. Try not to get stuck in blame or frustration at an event or person. Instead, look at your own reaction. What did this do to you? How did you interpret the situation? Ask yourself - what was driving this reaction? Often we'll find things like hurt or fear. Often we'll find our own shame: "I felt unloved, disrespected, taken advantage of, weak, stupid." It's important to reframe things here. Our shame comes from our past - we all hold it. However, it is not the truth about ourselves. If we keep acting defensively because of our shame or pain, we just keep reinforcing it as truth. When we are able to take a positive action instead - we are creating a new, positive way of being.

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Feel it in your body: Regardless of whether we acknowledge it or not, our thoughts do not exist in isolation. They tangibly affect our body, our emotions and our behaviour.

Pause, Breathe deeply and slowly. Scan your body. Where are you feeling what is happening in your mind? Where are you holding your tension or anxiety or anger or hurt? Notice it. Give it permission. Breathe into that area. Notice that, as you sit with it and allow it, it will slowly fade. 

Self Care: This process takes energy - emotional and physical! It's important that we take care of ourselves here. Schedule things into your day that will lift your mood. Be kind to your body. Notice that negative self-talk and let it go - say kind things to yourself instead. Ask for a hug. Do some Mindfulness. Pat a cat. Let yourself feel wonder and awe at something beautiful.

Important: If you are becoming triggered often, or if you have significant pain or trauma in your past; it is essential you find a person or group of people to walk through this with you.

I'm aware that this is a very brief look at processing. Of course there's loads more to it. If you have any questions, you can either leave a message in the comments, or email me at: info@freedom.ac.nz.

Arohanui!

Lexi x

Radical Acceptance

Have you ever had a problem? Course you have – we all have – most days usually!

Have you ever felt stuck in this problem? Has this problem weighed heavy on your mind or kept you up at night? Has this problem caused you stress and anxiety, or low mood and sadness? Sometimes these problems could be situational or historical. Sometimes our historical problems influence our current situations.

It’s probably fair to say that this is a fairly common issue for most of us, would you agree?

There is a famous saying: Pain is inevitable – suffering is optional. We will all experience trials and problems in our life: Pain. However, the extent to which we suffer as a result of this problem is often entirely up to us.

Let me explain.

Often our first and instinctual response to any kind of pain is to avoid it or resist it. Who likes pain? Certainly not me! Our society is, in many ways, based around instant gratification. If I want it – I can get most things very quickly. If I don’t want it, I’m entitled to change my mind or leave. The same is true for physical or emotional pain. If I have a headache, I’ll take a painkiller – I won’t stop to think why I might have that headache in the first place. If I’m feeling uncomfortable emotionally; I’ll quite likely try to avoid this feeling or cover it up in some way. I might distract myself with something else. I might expend a huge amount of emotional energy pushing those thoughts away. I might avoid or procrastinate. I might self-medicate with a substance; or shopping, or relationships, or staying busy….. or anything really.  Basically, the longer we avoid or try to cover up our pain – the more it intensifies and the more we eventually suffer. Kind of like shaking up a coke bottle. Eventually it’s going to pop.

Step One of Radical Acceptance is to accept that the thing has happened – or is happening. This sounds fairly obvious I know – but in reality it’s quite difficult! Our resisting a problem is often unconscious or instinctual. If I admit to myself that it’s there – I’ll have to face the pain of it. Especially if this is a big thing. Especially if this thing has impacted my life in a huge way. Sometimes it's a little thing - a minor conflict or unresolved situation. These are much easier to avoid or ignore - but they also have a way of building up on us! 

Let’s get one thing straight. Radical acceptance does NOT, in any way mean that the thing that has happened (or is happening) is OK.

Sometimes the painful things that happen to us are entirely NOT OK, and they're not fair. Radical Acceptance does not excuse bad behavior. It does not cover up offence or mistreatment. Accepting that the thing has happened is not at all the same as saying that that thing is OK.

What naming and accepting that it has happened DOES, however allow us to actually look at whatever is going on. When we see it fully – then we have the ability to analyse what is happening in the Adult. Often, the part of us that is trying to resist the pain is the small, fearful child-like part that we all have inside. The part that worries about its ‘OK-ness’ or acceptance. When this part of us is triggered it is hard to think clearly and we often feel very helpless, insecure or defensive. This part is often linked to our adrenaline response – so we can experience strong physical stress reactions; anxiety or anger.

Being in our “Adult” means that when we feel this happening, we Stop, Pause and Breathe; grounding ourselves in the moment and bringing ourselves back to the present: “I’m here. I’m OK. Even though this is a stressful situation I can make a good choice right now.”

When we are in the Adult, we can separate the past from the present. Yes, there’s something going on here and it’s important. However, I realize that my interpretation of this event is being clouded by my beliefs and events from the past. Have a look at the Separating the Present from the Past Resource for more info on this.

Step Two of Radical Acceptance is simple but profound. You get to say: “BUGGER!” (Or insert any expletive you may find appropriate).

This “Bugger” means that you allow yourself to feel and express the pain of the problem (or the past problem this has triggered). This is Loss and Grief.  When we allow ourselves to express our pain, we give our physical and emotional body the chance to heal. We ‘take the fizz’ out of the coke bottle so it isn’t going to explode and hurt someone or something. Sometimes, this needs to be done slowly and carefully. If there is lots of pain inside, you might need someone who knows what they’re doing to walk beside you in this. When we name the pain and let our emotions flow, we are giving our body an incredible gift. There is a growing amount of research on how our bodies hold our pain. The more research that is completed, the more we realize that we cannot separate the emotional and spiritual from the physical and behavioral aspects of ourselves. As we acknowledge and release our pain, we become healthier and happier.

Yes, expressing our pain can be a messy, unpleasant process. But it is a hugely important one. Next week’s blog will be a few tips on working through this process. When we are able to move through our pain, we no longer have to live hiding our shame and insecurity from the world. We can stay ‘in the moment’ and see a current situation for what it is.

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Step Three of Radical Acceptance is to ask the question: “Where to from here?” Once you have accepted that “the thing” happened, really looked at it and what it meant for you; experienced the pain and realized that you are OK……Now you are free to make a wise choice in the moment. Now the problem solving and planning can start. What options do I have in this situation? Do I need to put in some fair consequences for bad behavior? Do I need to learn some boundaries? Do I need to let it go and move on?

Radical acceptance can be used in any situation that causes an emotional reaction within you. I believe it’s almost most powerful in the constant, small incidences that we come across in life: Small arguments, offences and disappointments etc. The more we get used to acknowledging and facing these smaller "pains"; the easier and more approachable the "big-stuff" is. 

Here’s a ‘not-so-small’ one that happened to me recently. My son and I were travelling home from overseas. We had a stop-off in Hong Kong airport for a couple of hours so we went to get something to eat. Thinking we had plenty of time to get to our gate, we ambled along looking at the shops etc. When we got to our gate, we eventually learned that our plane had left 2 hrs earlier! Our itinerary was wrong. Our bags had been offloaded and we were stuck in Hong Kong. "BUGGER!" I could feel myself getting stressed, the shock was kicking in; and I could see my son next to me getting more and more worked up. I knew I had a choice to make. A large part of me wanted to get upset and throw a fit. This wasn’t my fault – it’s not fair – I’m tired, jet lagged and all I want to do is to get home to my family! And I felt myself going there – I could feel my body reacting to the increasing shock and anger I was feeling. Then I looked at my son, and stopped. If I lost it – he would too. I took a moment to pause and breathe. I remembered Radical Acceptance. (I HATE having to practice what I preach!) To cut a long story short – we survived. When I calmed myself down, I was able to think. Through a friend, I organised a place to stay for the night. We ended up seeing a bit of Hong Kong and making a new friend! It wasn’t an ideal situation, but it wasn’t the end of the world. It was a lot less of a problem than it would have been if I'd lost my rag!

Radical Acceptance Works! Give it a go. :-) 

Lexi x

Loss and Grief

Hi everyone, Happy New Year! 

Well, we're off - it's 2017 already! I always love the feel of a new year. I love pausing to rest; but also to reflect on what was and what is to come.

This Christmas has been a bit of a difficult time for me. Although I had a wonderful time relaxing and celebrating with my family; I have also experienced two significant losses: one very close friend has moved overseas; and just after Christmas I received the news that another friend had passed away very suddenly. The stark contrast of celebration and rest with shock and sadness was quite overwhelming at times.

Grief is not an emotion that is generally tolerated well in our society and culture. We tend to not like pain very much. If I've got a headache, I'll medicate it - I won't stop and think about why I might have it in the first place. When I think about my experience of grief - I have often not 'done it well.' I would tend to slip into my 'oldest child' role and get busy and carry on. I would unconsciously run from tears and emotion because I saw it as a weakness. These last few weeks have been an opportunity for me to do things differently - and it's been a remarkable experience. 

I have this unhelpful coping strategy (I call the 'turning away') that I'd like to discuss. The more I talk to others about it the more I realize that they do it too. Often the 'turning away' is most obvious on the larger scale. If I'm in pain I'll cover it up with something: keeping busy, self medicating, being in control, pushing people away etc. However, this can work internally and very subtly as well. When I'm faced with a thought or an emotion that distresses me, I'll mentally turn away. I'll fight that thought - I'll try and stop it. I'll try and distract myself with something else. I'll do something. I'll pretend I'm fine. I'll resist that thought or feeling with all my strength. Sound familiar? It's kind of a mental 'holding my breath' until it goes away. People do it with any 'negative' thoughts - especially anxiety, worry and sadness. The obvious problem with this, is that resisting this thought doesn't make it go away. In fact, it makes it stronger - louder. I have to do more and more to keep it at bay. 

Imagine you have a scary monster in front of you. Now turn away from it. How does it feel? Worse eh? Now, not only do you know it's there but you can't tell how close it is or what it's doing! It's kind of the same with these thoughts. When we avoid them we lose our power to see them and deal with them. Often, because we're avoid them they become bigger and more powerful than they actually are. 

So when I catch myself jumping into mental avoidance I do the following: I Pause.....and Breathe. I turn to look at the thought. I accept it. Once I have looked at it fully, I can see it for what it is. I can give it a name. I can see where if comes from. When I can see it fully, I can deal with it. I can move through it. Now it no longer has the ability to steal my joy or direct my behavior. 

In the last two weeks this has helped incredibly with the shock and pain of loss. if I don't turn and run from sadness, I can name it and accept it and process it. I can honor my friends by letting myself cry. I can go deeper into relationship with others by grieving together. 

I have added a new link on my resource page discussing Loss and Grief. It's a big topic and a hard topic. The notes I have added will hopefully give a starting point for you if you are in the midst of grief - or if you are walking alongside someone else in theirs. 

I'd love any feedback you'd like to give,

Arohanui,

Lexi x

Identity

Who am I and why am I here?

Everybody, at some stage of their lives has to ask themselves these questions. Is there meaning to any of this? And if there is, what the heck is it?? Sorry, I'm not going to answer the great questions of the universe for you, but hopefully, this blog will help you along on the journey of answering these questions for yourself.

Last week's blog asked the question: "who's voice am I listening to?" I guess it implies that we have choices about who we believe we are. Do I choose to listen to the negative voices that tell me that I'm worthless, a failure; and unlovable? Or do I choose to believe that my life has value and meaning? Ultimately, whatever I choose to believe about myself becomes my reality. Our inner beliefs become our external reality. They change the way I look, the way I behave, the way I interpret and experience the world around me. Everything.

My Identity Is Important.

So to find out who I am, I think it is helpful to explore who I am not. (Then at least we can rule all that out!). Have a look at my Singular Focus blogs from a while ago - they might help give you some clues in this process. If you have strong negative beliefs, or if you're finding it hard to be objective about processing through this stuff, it might be a good idea to talk this through with a counsellor (or someone similar). We all have negative beliefs that we've picked up from our childhood. Figure out what they are and how they affect your life (your thoughts, your emotions, your physical body and your behaviour). That way, you get to accept that these beliefs are there - but you now know that you don't have to be controlled by them any more. You can observe them, understand them and move through them. Elizabeth Gilbert talks about fear in a similar way: "Fear has been my friend in the past. Now, it can still come on the journey with me; but it sits in the back seat. It can't touch the steering wheel and it can't change the channel on the radio."

If we have lived our lives being controlled by negative beliefs, changing this can be a bit of a tricky process. Mainly because these beliefs feel very true and real. Although you feel rubbish; feeling rubbish feels normal and comfortable and right. Learning to believe good things about yourself feels alien, unreal and definitely uncomfortable. Sometimes exploring the gap between who I thought I was and who I could be feels like I'm hanging over an abyss. Nothing to hold onto anymore.

 Pause. Breathe. Normalize this. Keep going.

There are many theories of how we develop a sense of Identity. Whether you're reading Erik Erikson or Spiral Dynamic's, one thing is clear: It's a process. There are stages. Often we move to a different stage because of a transition of some kind - regularly it's a crisis. As we age and develop we slowly learn more about ourselves and the world around us. We mature.

Wherever you are on your journey of growth and change, there are certain things you can do to help you in this process. Here are some ideas:

• Take time to slow down regularly. Learn how to be quiet. Learn how to still your mind from all the myriad of distractions we have at our disposal.
• Face your pain. Radically accept that what happened - happened. It doesn't make it right or ok - it just is. Grieve your loss. Gently move through it to the other side.
• Learn how to take care of yourself. Find out things that lift your mood and do them regularly . Learn how to listen to your body. Eat well. Sleep well. Rest.
• Make time to play. Do something positive that makes you laugh. Do something adventurous that gets your blood pumping!
• Take time to be creative. Whether it's art or gardening or accounting or business. Allow your creative juices to flow. Be excited!
• Learn to build healthy relationships. Learn to be vulnerable with trustworthy people. Be accountable to someone. Love.

And here are some questions to help you on your journey to identity:

• What am I passionate about?
• What matters most to me?
• When do I feel the most connected?
• When do I feel the most fulfilled?
• What makes me laugh?
• What makes me cry?
• What makes me feel protective?
• Where do I see injustice?
• What do I like creating?

The process of finding out who you are can be a really exciting one!

Remember: Identity isn't necessarily about vocation. E.g.: if I'm passionate about justice I don't have to be a lawyer. I could work at the local pub and still be passionately involved in human rights issues. Remember - all the potential of the mighty Kauri Tree in the picture above is contained in the DNA of a tiny seed. Small isn't bad - it's a beginning. Just do whatever is in front of you!

Warning: Finding out what makes you tick might just ruin you for the ordinary. Once you realize that there is more to life than the quest for material possessions, fame and fortune; life becomes more interesting - but also more challenging.

And wonderful and exhilarating and joyful.

In the words of Alexander Shaia: "The doorway is open - WELCOME!"

Who's Voice?

Hi Friends!

Well it's December already and we're on the slippery slope to Christmas. Here in the Southern Hemisphere it's officially Summer now. I'm back to shorts and jandals and I'm getting back into swimming daily. Bliss!

I'm aware though, that Christmas can be a tough time for many people. Basically, anything that is likely to push your buttons will generally happen around Christmas: Family (or the lack thereof), difficult memories, food, alcohol, loneliness, a lack of work to keep you distracted, cheesy Christmas adds (with happy, smiling people), buying presents (or not being able to buy presents), the absence of special people, distance (geographical or personal) - the list could go on and on.  

SO, over the next few weeks to Christmas, I thought I'd write on different topics that may hopefully make this season a happier time - or at least a little easier to bear. This week our topic is "Who's Voice." I think next week we'll look at Identity, then grief and loss, then self care strategies for Christmas. So, here we go!

Something I've been really challenged with lately is the following question: Who's voice am I letting direct my steps? When I am triggered, or when my buttons are pushed, is it the voice of identity that responds? Does it say "it's ok, you're ok, let's slow down and think things through. How can I honour myself and the other person and the situation in my response here?" Or does it say "here we go again, this is another example of your failure, you're rubbish and the world knows it!" Do I act with kindness and firmness; or do I worry and avoid or lash out in anger?

If you're anything like me, you're probably hovering between the two extremes. Sometimes I respond well; I show restraint and I think about the consequences of my speech and actions. Other times - especially if my physical and emotional resources are low - I can throw a tantrum with the best of them!

Sometimes our internal voices sound like our own voice. Sometimes they sound like the voice of a parent or an influential figure in our lives. Sometimes these internal voices are kind. But often they're not. If our internal dialogue is on the "not so kind" spectrum, it can affect us in all sorts of different ways. Most importantly, it acts like a set of lenses through which I view the world. If I believe I'm a failure, I'll interpret everything that happens to me through that voice of "failure." If I don't do so well at something, I'll say "see - I'm a failure." Often I won't try anything new because if I can't stand being mediocre at something. I have to be the best or I won't do it at all. If I do something well, I'll say "boy, that was a fluke!" My "failure" lenses make me personalise everything. I'll assume that anything bad that happens must be my fault. I'll assume that if you're unhappy or if you don't say 'hi' to me when we pass on the street; it must be because you're upset with me and that I've done something wrong. I'll spend hours in worry and I'll try and control everything in my world so it looks 'good.' (Because if people really knew what was going on they'd see my failure and reject me).

I know this is a drastic example, but we all do this to some degree or another don't we? We all desire relationship and acceptance but- fear rejection. We all have masks that we wear in public. We all 'put on a happy face' to hide what's really going on.

I guess what I'm asking you to look at here is this: Who's voice do you hear in your subconscious most often? Does it speak to you of your identity, worth and value - or does it drive you to be better to hide your lack. Does it challenge you to step out into life and adventure - or does it tell you to avoid and hide so no-one see's you.

What I'd love for you to do this week is to listen out for your thoughts. We have the ability as humans to observe our thinking. Give it a go. If you find yourself stressed or under pressure, how do you react - what are you thinking? Just notice it. How does it leave you feeling?

When you are triggered, Pause......Breathe........Notice.

If you can, write it down. You might be surprised by what you find.

The purpose of this exercise is to bring the unconscious into the conscious. It's not until we do this that we have any power to change if we want to.

Have a go!

P.S.: Remember, if that negative voice is the loudest and most dominant in your mind; your 'lenses' will only show you the bad, the sad and the unhappy aspects of life. BUT that's not all there is! Notice that voice when it comes, but then start looking for an alternative story. What can you see around you that is good and beautiful and special? What could be an alternative interpretation to what is going on in this situation? What can you be grateful for? Regardless how you feel about yourself - go and do something kind for yourself. Look after your body! You Matter!

Have a fantastic week!

Lexi x

The Half Smile

As promised, today’s blog is Part II of our “Ownership” series. Last week I talked about how potentially unhealthy it is to continue ‘giving’ out of a place of lack or brokenness. As a general rule, learning to give from a place of emotional health or even overflow is so important for longevity and happiness in this life. However, this is not to say that you have to be completely emotionally healthy before you step out to give something back to the world. Let’s face it, when are we ever completely “fixed”?? Never, I reckon! We are all constantly travelling up and down a continuum of wellness. So in many cases, we can employ the “Fake it Till You Make It” policy. This is how it works:

If I am depressed, my whole body feels low. My thoughts are dark and sad. My body feels heavy and devoid of energy. Everything in me wants to hide from the world and everybody in it.

There are so many factors that contribute to depression or low mood - there’s no magic wand unfortunately. Often, if you are very low it's important to get some external help. But one thing I know does help you to make change is the “Fake it till you make it” policy. In no way does this mean putting on a mask and pretending that things are ok (when they clearly are not). However, in any process of change, there WILL be a period where there is a sometimes large discrepancy between feelings and reality. Let me explain. If I’m feeling very low and bad about myself, the last thing I want to do is look after myself or do anything good for myself. But taking care of myself is exactly what I need to do to change those negative thoughts and feelings. And my body feels tired so I don’t feel like I have the energy to exercise – but gentle exercise and fresh air is the exact thing that will break my cycle of immobility and exhaustion. SO in the above cases ‘faking it’ refers to taking positive action regardless of whether or not I’m feeling positive. Amazingly, what ends up happening is that my feelings soon align themselves with the new actions I’m taking.

Another example of this is with Anxiety. Did you know that excitement creates exactly the same physical body reactions as fear? The difference though is that fear holds me back whereas excitement pulls me forward. For example, if I have a speech that I am about to make and I tell myself I’m going to panic and not do well at all; then I’ll panic and mess it up. However, if I instead tell myself that this giddy feeling I’m experiencing is excitement, I’ll move forward with anticipation.

(If you click on the photo, it will link you to a You Tube video describing the Half Smile in more detail).

Let me tell you about the Half Smile. Did you know that smiling has specific biological consequence? This means that smiling has physical body reactions that make us feel happier and want to smile more! So even if you’re feeling completely rotten, pulling your face into a little ‘Half Smile’ will actually begin to change your mood. Give it a go!

So….

I’ll act as if I’m confident until my confidence catches up with me.

I’ll treat myself with dignity and respect until I begin to truly love myself.

I’ll speak kind words to myself and others, until I’m more comfortable believing them.

As I do this, I am re-wiring my brain, my emotions, my thoughts and my physical body. This is “faking it till you make it.”

In reference to last week’s blog, we might not have things fully sorted before we move to share our lives with others. I guess it’s not so much about WHAT we’re doing as WHY we’re doing it. If I am giving to you because it makes me feel like less of a failure for a second, then that’s not so helpful; because my ‘failure’ is driving my behaviour. But, if I am giving to you because I know I’m a good person; and I’m learning to live out of my sense of ‘goodness’ rather than ‘failure’ then that’s FANTASTIC!!

So there we go! Fake it Till You Make It and the Half Smile. They may seem like little things, but they can make powerful change in your life!

I'd love to hear any thoughts or questions you might have!

Lexi x

Ownership

You know how sometimes you keep hearing the same thing from completely different sources? That has happened to me recently with the following phrase: "You can't give away something that you don't own." The first time I heard it something went "clunk" into my brain. I though a little bit about it and then forgot it (of course!). The next couple of times I heard it, I thought that I'd better do some further thinking around it.

The context this statement is, of course, life; and the healing arena. If I don't own something for myself first, I can not give it away to others. Ownership implies cost doesn't it? I have worked hard to purchase something I desired. For example, if I desire peace in my crazy busy life, this (unfortunately) isn't just going to fall into my lap. I have to be purposeful about the pursuit of peace. I have to de-clutter my schedule. I have to make time to relax and unwind. I have to deal with my anger and my anxiety. I have to work on the negative thinking that robs me of my peace. Basically, my peace is going to be totally worth it - but it IS going to cost me. BUT, once I am an owner of this peace, I am now freely able to give it to others. I'm aware of how much it cost me, so I am gentle and patient and encouraging with others. In fact, because I am now, by nature 'peaceful' I unwittingly share it with others everywhere I go. By my reactions, by my words and actions, by my presence in the room.

But what if I tried to give peace away to others when I have not first attained it myself? Have you ever been told to do something by someone you know full well hasn't done that themselves? Been told to 'cheer up' by someone who is sad? Been told to 'get over it' by someone who is obviously 'not over it' themselves? Or been helped by someone that obviously needs help for themselves? How does it feel? Fake right? Or confusing or annoying or sometimes downright manipulative; (like it comes with a cost).

It reminds me of the Rescuer role in The Drama Triangle (just follow the link for more info on this). The Rescuer gives and gives to others but it is always from a deficit; from a feeling of being 'not good enough:' "If I can make someone else feel better, or help them in some way, then I will feel better about myself." When our good acts are self-focussed rather than others-focussed they often ultimately end in further wounding for everyone involved. The Rescuer ends up hurt, angry and burnt out. The Victim is further disempowered and stuck in their cycle of hopelessness.  

So my challenge to myself, and my invitation to you is the following question: "Are you smoking what you're selling?" Is what you're asking your friends / family / colleagues to do or be, something that you're prepared to do or be yourself?

Sometimes life can feel like this eh?: loads of ties in all different directions. Completely confusing. Take some time to step back a bit, see the bigger picture and unravel some string!

Here's an example from my own life. I am a counsellor. It's my job to help people learn to look at and move through their pain. To be honest though, to me it's much more than a job, it's who I am. I'm naturally one of those people that look out for others - the "See a need, fill a need" type. This brings me a lot of joy, but it also costs a lot. Physical energy, emotional energy, spiritual energy. I have learned, and am still learning that I can not love and care for others until I have first learned to love and care for myself. I've been in these situations, and it's not good. I've been so unbalanced that I'll come home from work and snapped at my husband and kids because I've expended all my emotional energy on "helping" people all day. I've talked to people about having to face their pain or look at their anger; while the whole time subtly avoiding my own. I've teetered on the brink of burn-out. I know what this feels like now. I have learned the warning signs. I know I'm saying all the right words but the heart, the love isn't there. It kind of feels like a whole lot of bees buzzing around in a jar - trying to hold myself together so I can 'help' others. Not Good!

So hearing this phrase has been a really good 'check in' for me. "Is the thing that I'm trying to give away something that I own for myself?"

My invitation to you, dear reader, is to ask yourself the same. Do an emotional, spiritual, physical check in: How is your body feeling? How is your "stressometer?" Are you pushing yourself too hard? When was the last time you checked in with what your own needs are? When was the last time you did something really nice for yourself? Is your input matching your output? Are you feeling connected and loved?

If the answer to any of the above is in the negative, how about doing something about it? How can you learn to live out of a overflow rather than a deficit?

By the way, there is another side to all this: the "Fake it till you make it" side. But we can talk about that next blog.

Have a fantastic week, and I'd love to hear your feedback or comments!

Lexi x

Tears

It's a bit of a sad day for me today; and for my community. I heard yesterday that a young man that I knew was killed in a car crash early Monday morning. It's one of those stupid, meaningless tragedies that shouldn't have happened but did. Now a precious life is lost and we are all reeling in shock and grief.

I want to share with you some words that a friend Lauren wrote about this loss. I think they are powerful beyond belief. Instead of turning away from the pain; or trying to numb or avoid it..... Instead of asking "why" and cursing the universe for being unfair...... Instead of isolating and putting on a brave face; she has called us to do something that is not without pain; but that has power and purpose.

"As the sun set tonight, I couldn't stop thinking about all the young people in my community who woke up this morning to hear one of their friends died in a car crash. What a tragedy, what a shock. Death is so hard to process regardless; but it's so much more difficult to understand and walk through when it's sudden and unexpected. I'm writing this for you, my beautiful friends who have lost J today........so sorry. May you feel the arms of our community wrapped around you right now as you farewell your friend. We see your pain and hurt. We are here if you need us....to talk, to cry, to pray, to hug....We really do care. All our love.....your Mum, your Dad, your friend, your neighbour."

So as I sit here with tears in my eyes, I reflect on what we can do when faced with terrible loss: We can turn towards each other. We can share our sorrow. We can hold others up who can not stand on their own. We can let ourselves be held. We can be honest and vulnerable with our grief.

And when we do, something beautiful happens: We are family. We are connected. We are together. We are "We."  Together we have the courage to face our loss and move through it.

Below is a famous Whakatauki (or Maori Proverb) that I love. The flax bush (Harakeke) in Maori tradition is hugely symbolic of family, community and life: "Te Pa Harakeke"

Unuhia te rito o te harakeke, kei hea te kōmako e kō?
Ui mai ki ahau, ‘He aha te mea nui o te Ao?’
Māku e kī atu,
‘He tangata, he tangata, he tangata.’

If you remove the central shoot of the flaxbush, where will the bellbird find rest?
If you were to ask me, ‘What is the most important thing in the world?’
I would reply,
‘It is people, it is people, it is people.’

So what is the answer to our grief? How can we once again let the bellbird of joy and beauty rest upon us?

It is People, it is People, it is People.

Arohanui,

Lexi

My Life Has Meaning

Hi Folks! Hope you've had a wonderful week so far!

I just realized I posted this on my Facebook Page but not the official blog site, so I thought I'd copy it to here just in case any of my blog readers missed it.

View fullsize

I found this great little card where I'm staying tonight (I'm on a training course for the weekend). It really caught my attention so I thought I'd share it with you too!

I'm currently sitting down with a cup of tea in a wonderful, bright orange, 100 year old Kiwi bach and pondering my answers to the questions on the card:

• What gives my life purpose?
• What's important to me?
• When do I feel most connected and fulfilled?

I invite you to do the same (wherever you are)!
If you'd like to, Private Message me your answers and I'll share with you mine :-)

Arohanui!

Lexi

P.S.: If you'd like to get your hands on this card, I googled the name on the bottom of the card. If you follow this link, you can access loads of brilliant resources like this! http://skylight.org.nz/shop/Note+to+Self

Think On This....

Hi Friends!

How did we get to Monday again? Is it just me or is time speeding up as we slide down the slippery slope to Christmas?? The above photo is a picture my son took in our garden over the weekend. Spring is here!!

Here's a quick thought to get you started in your week. I hope you enjoy!

I was at a conference last week where the speaker asked the following question to the audience: "Who here has struggled with stress or anxiety where they spend hours thinking repetitive negative thoughts or ruminating about a situation?" Pretty much everyone (or all the honest ones anyway) put up their hands. "Well", he said, "you all know how to meditate! How about we all learn how to meditate on something positive??" We all laughed, but it's a pretty good point eh? We all know how to feel anxious, or fearful or sad - sometimes for long periods at a time. But how many of us are good at feeling happy or excited or confident?

As we've discussed before, the field of Neuroscience has progressed so far lately. We've seen that what we do with our thoughts matters. It's like piling pebbles into a heap. Whatever we think about gets bigger and heavier. So let's start piling pebbles into positive piles eh? (100 points to me for alliteration!)

But how you say?? Here's a simple but effective little exercise you can do.

Often we have a negative label for ourselves; (actually we usually have more than one!) For example: "I'm so ________" Or, "I could never do that because I'm so ___________" Think of the times you tell yourself off. What are some of the common words you use? Choose one.

Right. Now, think about this. If you weren't so _________, what would you like to be? For example, if I feel like I'm fearful, something I would like to be is confident. Try not to be too black and white with it. For example, if I feel like I'm a failure - I don't want to be perfect (because no-one is perfect at anything); but I would like to be competent, or adventurous, or industrious, or skilled.

Now that you have your word, I'd like you to take a moment, breathe a little, get comfortable and think about the following questions: (For this example I'm going to use the word "Confident.")

• If I was a confident person, how would I feel?
• What would I know about myself? How does it feel to know this?
• How would my body feel? What would my posture be like - or my walk? Would I make eye contact? (Imagine and feel the changes in your body now. Move your body into the posture you're imagining. How does it feel?)
• What would it be like for me to feel confident while meeting someone new? How would I act? What would my body language look like? How would I feel? What would my self talk be?
• If I was a confident person and I made a mistake, how would I react?
• What would it be like if I was facing a new challenge and I felt confident? How would I approach the challenge? What would I know about myself?
• What would it be like for me if I succeeded at something? How would I feel as I let myself celebrate? How would I let myself feel as someone congratulated me?
• Spend as much time feeling confident, and in many different ways for as long as you can.

Each time your mind wanders, or you have a distracting thought like: "this is stupid - I can never be ________" just acknowledge the thought, let it slide and bring your attention gently back to whatever you are imagining. The more you practice it, the better you'll get.

The thing with this is, if we have a negative belief like "I am fearful" then that's all we believe we are. This is called Black and White thinking. (See Thinking Mistakes Resource). But things are never black and white are they? We exist along a continuum of grey areas. Even if I feel I'm fearful, there are still parts of me that are less than completely fearful. There are parts of me that might be inquisitive, or excited or courageous or bold. (I just tend to minimise or discount those parts). The point of this exercise is to get me to focus on the positive rather than the negative. Even if the positive is just making the choice to get out of bed in the morning, it's still positive. It's still there. It's still you not giving up.

And the more I focus on, and imagine, and feel, and think about - the more I realize that I actually DO know how to be courageous. And the more familiar I am with this - the more likely (and able) I will be to act this way next time.

See how it works?

So go, think on something positive about yourself. Because what you think on grows!

Have fun!

Lexi x

The All-Powerful "I"

Hi Friends! Wherever in the world you are, I hope you are well!

In a few of my recent blog posts or resources I've mentioned something called an "I Statement." I though it was about time that I explained what I meant by that term. I've also added another post on the Resources tab to go alongside this blog.

Have you ever been in an argument where it very quickly descended into a mud-slinging match? Each assailant fighting to dredge up enough ammunition from past mistakes and quarrels to come out on top? Kind of like the Arms Race: each party has to get bigger bombs that they can drop on the other to make sure they're the one on top of the score board.

It's kind of like if you're frustrated with someone's behaviour; and you point it out to them; but then they come back with: "Yeah but you always do this....."

How do these arguments leave you feeling?

Does anything ever get resolved? Do you ever get to the heart of the matter?   

In my (considerable) experience of such situations, my answers would read: "I end up feeling ragged, hurt and angry. Further apart from the person I was trying to resolve something with."

Or do you find it difficult getting your needs met or your voice heard? Do you struggle to know what to say in such a situation?

If any of the above rings true for you, the "All-Powerful I-Statement" might be just the thing you need. (They're actually usually just called I-Statements - I added the all-powerful bit for dramatic effect).

But before we go any further, let me ask you a question: "Can I make you feel anything?"

It's a tricky one eh? Yes, the things that I say or do to you will cause an emotional reaction within you. But, is it up to me how you interpret my actions and respond? No, it isn't. Let me show you what I mean. What if I showed up at your door with a beautiful bunch of flowers. How would you feel? Regardless of my intentions, you might have one / some of the following reactions:

• Joy: "someone was thinking of me and has brought me a beautiful gift"
• Suspicion: "what has this person done - why have they brought me flowers?"
• Mistrust: "what does this person want from me? There must be a catch!"
• Sadness: "these flowers are too beautiful - I don't deserve them!"
• Pain: "these flowers remind me of the flowers at my mother's funeral."

Interesting eh? The flowers are just the flowers. They are the trigger. Your reactions depend on your interpretation of the trigger. I have absolutely no control over this. So yes, my actions have consequences on your mood; BUT ultimately, your feelings or emotional responses are wholly your responsibility.

This is why, in an argument, if I say "you make me soooo _________" I am actually passing my responsibility for my interpretation of events onto you. I'm blaming you for my emotional responses. And how will you normally react if I blame you for everything? You'll get mad right? Or feel hurt and accused. You'll probably try and shift the blame back onto me - and the argument will continue.

The reason I've called this post the "All-Powerful" I-Statement is that when I use this very simple tool, I actually become very powerful. If I go around blaming everyone else for my emotional responses and behaviour, I am actually powerless to change. If it's everybody else's fault, I have no responsibility for my actions (which is often a big pay-off) but it ultimately means I'm a victim to my moods and the events that create them.

An I-Statement looks like this:

I Feel........

When.............

Because...............

In the future..................

Simple but powerful!

For me to say "I feel....." it means that I have to first acknowledge and own what it is that I feel. The "When" acknowledges the action of the other. This is the trigger. The "Because" means that I have to know why I am feeling what I am feeling. "Why does this thing make me feel the way that I do? What is causing these feelings?" This process involves some self awareness. Have a read of the Singular Focus series in the previous blog posts to learn more about this area. The "In the future" is an invitation to communication and relationship. I get to say what I would like to happen, and then I get to hear your opinion and desires too. We negotiate and compromise. My needs are important and so are yours.

Here's an example:

"I felt really angry when you didn't show up the other night after we agreed to meet. I guess it's because I felt like you didn't care. I understand that you had an emergency appointment and couldn't make it, but in the future could you send me a txt to let me know what's going on?"

Sounds a little bit better than "you never show up on time and you always leave me waiting" doesn't it?

SO here's a summary:

I Statements diffuse argument rather than inflate it. They give power to the individual to own their emotions and responses. They help the process of insight and self-awareness. They slow down arguments. (If I have to pause and figure out what I feel and why, then put it into the format of an I statement - I'm much less likely to launch into an argument and say or do something that I regret). They invite relationship and communication. The person you're communicating feels heard and listened to, because communication and relationship is now the focus of your conversation - not winning an argument. I-Statements are Awesome!

Have a go.

I'd love to hear your thoughts; and if doing this makes a difference in your relationships!

Have a great week,

Lexi x

Life

Well it's been a cold, wet month here in NZ. (Though typically, when I'm writing this, it's blazing sunlight!) To tell the truth I generally feel a bit low over winter. I'm definitely one of those people who needs the sun. While I was out driving yesterday morning, I came across these little guys. Nothing too much cuter than newborn lambs eh? I just had to stop and take a photo.

I've often wondered why it is that lambs are always born in the worst weather. Guaranteed that in the biggest, nastiest storms, all the mothers will drop their lambs. I'm sure there's a technical reason for this (that one of my farming friends can tell me about); but for me, this morning it reminded me about seasons, and change. 

It helps me remember that even in the darkest, wettest, coldest times in life, there is always something new, something beautiful just around the corner.

That even the most fragile new life can survive and thrive despite the weather.

That sometimes we need the storms to trigger new beginnings. 

And Finally, sometimes we need to make the time to stop and soak in the beauty of a newborn lamb!

Have a wonderful week friends!

Lexi x

Distraction

Hi Friends!

Well, I had all these great plans for inspirational blog topics this morning; but that's all gone right out the window because of this little girl! We have recently decided to start fostering puppies. Unfortunately we're not in the position to keep one just yet - but this way we can help out the local dog rescue and still have some regular 'doggy' interactions. So world, meet foster puppy #2. We think her name is Ash. (Still open to suggestions though!) She is eight weeks old and still very little to be away from her mummy, so she is very dependent on her new family. Currently I'm tiptoeing around trying not to wake her up. So far my morning has consisted of running around trying to get things done whilst entertaining a puppy (she hates being alone and cries mournfully and at great volume when she's shut in her pen). Halfway through the morning I gave up trying to do anything and just submitted to having my toes chewed and my floor peed on. Now she's fast asleep on her hot water bottle so I can sit down, have a cuppa and write to y'all.

Really, all I wanted to do was to remind you to 'play with the puppies' this week - whatever shape of form they come in. Take those moments to have some fun, be mindful, smell a flower, put your feet in the water, play with a child, stand still and feel the breeze on your face, or let a puppy chase you around the back lawn. These are the moments when we feel the most connected to life; and whatever noise is going on in our heads gets a little quieter. Keep an eye out for these little 'gifts' throughout your day - and your day will seem a little brighter!

Have a fantastic week everyone!

Lexi x

Singular Focus: Part 5

Good Morning All!

I'm a bit bleary-eyed this morning after a quick weekend trip away to Brisbane. It's a bit hard coming back to cold, stormy weather after getting used to the warmer temperatures "over the ditch!"

This morning I thought I'd continue with our Singular Focus series. I believe that learning to understand "why we think the way we do" is incredibly important for our health - physically, emotionally and spiritually. So I figure the more we can cover in this area the better! Today I thought we could look at a helpful tool I sometimes use. It's a great bit of emotional first aid that you can use in - or after a triggering situation. I call it: Separating the Present from the Past.

So we've all been in those situations where something's majorly pushed our buttons eh? Maybe it's a person standing in front of us and we either want to strangle them; or crawl into a hole and hide! Or it's a situation that's left you feeling completely wiped out, anxious; or downright angry.

As we've learned from this Singular Focus series, there is often a lot more going on than just what's happening in the moment. It's not only the situation in front of us that's causing an emotional response - it's our interpretation of the situation (based on the beliefs that we have about ourselves, the world and others). Learning to separate the present from the past is incredibly helpful in a situation such as this.

Basically, this technique gives us a dual awareness: "I understand that there is a situation or person in front of me that needs dealing with. However, I also understand that my beliefs, rules, values and pain that I carry will all be affecting how I interpret and react to this situation. SO if I can somehow understand and acknowledge what's gone on in the past, I can then be a lot more objective in dealing with what's going on in the present."

Let me ask you a question: Think about the last time you were really triggered. Something or someone caused a huge emotional reaction within you. How old did you feel? Did you feel like an adult: in the moment, capable, able to articulate yourself well to get your needs met? Or did you feel like a small child: tongue tied, confused, scared, powerless, frustrated? I'll bet it was the latter - the small child. I'll tell you why.

When we are triggered, or when a person or situation is making us feel a certain way: "exposed, vulnerable, attacked, bullied" etc., we automatically regress back to the first time we felt that emotion. It's like we fall into a hole; or a 'time stop.' If we are holding onto pain - or if we have negative beliefs created from incidents in the past - we automatically internally regress to the time those beliefs were created. We feel very small and powerless; and we use the same coping strategies that we used back then: we run away (internally or externally), we shut down, we please people, we get angry and defensive / smart and sarcastic). Just a grown-up version of the small child trying to protect themselves. Make sense?

When we do this - when we react to a situation out of the pain of the past - it never ends well does it? We generally make poor decisions - decisions that leave us and everyone around us feeling bad; and that leave us reaping the same old consequences for our speech and behaviour. Not only this, but it just reinforces those negative beliefs - and makes them stronger! "See, I've done it again - I am a failure!"

If, when we are in a situation, we can Pause, Breathe, Calm ourselves down and Think, we are suddenly powerful to a) understand what is going on for ourselves and b) make a good choice in the moment. Have a read through the Separating the Present from the Past table. It's pretty simple - but very powerful. Basically, what it gets you to do is to think about the situation. What are the 'normal' or understandable things that I might be thinking or feeling? How can I stay in the moment and respond to the situation in the "Adult"? E.g.: I have a voice, I can use it in a calm, assertive way to express myself and communicate effectively. I can make a good choice that affirms both myself and anyone else involved. I can set clear boundaries and I know that even if I'm feeling strong emotion, I don't have to act on it. (It might be linked to those old beliefs}. I'll trust my wisdom and experience as adult instead in my decision making process. See how it works?

Think of the last time you were in a triggering situation. Have a look at the table and have a go at filling it out. See if it makes a difference. If you have any questions, just leave a comment or send me an email.

Look forward to hearing from you!

Lexi x

Singular Focus: Part 4

Hi Friends!

Sorry about missing a blog last Monday. It's been a week of winter illness as well as winter storms! We've been without internet and phone since Thursday after a lightning strike up the road. It's a bit interesting realizing just how much business and communication these days depends on Wifi. 1st World problems eh?

This week we are looking at the subtle ways in which the negative beliefs we have been talking about in the past weeks affect us on a day to day basis. The CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) counselling modality calls these "Underlying Assumptions" or "Family Rules." 

 Let me tell you a story about a young man named Sam. Sam comes from a middle-class Kiwi family. He had a pretty 'normal' upbringing. No massive issues - just the usual set of struggles every kid experiences as they navigate family, school, friends, sports and life in general.

Sam has recently been married and is very happy. However, he's noticed that lately he's been struggling a lot with anxiety. He has felt anxious on and off throughout his life; but since he's been married, suddenly things have gotten a lot worse. He's not sleeping well and has nagging doubts and insecurities that he just can't stop thinking about. Sam is very confused! He is very happy with his lovely wife; and they've just put a deposit on a new house. Everything is fine - he shouldn't be experiencing this anxiety!

Luckily, Sam had the good sense to go and talk to a counsellor about all this. During therapy, he discovered that he had some beliefs and rules that are influencing the way he thinks and experiences his life. Sam learned that the environment he grew up in has heavily influenced the way he thinks about and interprets his daily life. His family, whilst loving, were very focussed on the way they looked to others. This included 'behaving well' in public, 'achieving well' in school and sports and generally 'keeping up appearances' with everybody. Conflict was avoided at all costs; and strong emotions were not really seen as acceptable. All of the above were 'unspoken rules.' This means Mum and Dad wouldn't have ever sat Sam down and said: "Look Son, this is how we do it in our family." It was just 'the way we do things' in this family - normal - the culture. When he examined it, Sam realized that these rules often followed an "If....then....." format. For example, "If I do well in school, then I'll make my parents proud." Of course, doing well in school isn't a bad thing! But the problem is that these rules are very black and white. No room for grey areas. Therefore, the negative side of it was: "If I don't get the scores I should then I'll disappoint my parents." This created in Sam a fear-based motivator to always do his best. The more this went on, the more perfectionistic and obsessive Sam became in his pursuit of the best marks - or the best performance on the sports field. The pay-offs of this behaviour was that Sam often did well and received praise from his parents and peers. But would he let himself celebrate his successes? No - because the driving force was always fear of being a disappointment. And no-one can ever be perfect so Sam always fell short of his target. As an adult, these fears still drove Sam. He was always pushing himself to be better; and his fear of conflict meant he wasn't good at setting boundaries - so he generally got lumped with more work than he could handle. At work he was frequently anxious and upset. But he hid it well.

Adding to this he suddenly had the stress of being newly married. While he dearly loved his wife, she came from a very different family background than him. Her family were loud and up front with their feelings. If something upset them, they would talk about openly right then and there. This goes against all of Sam's family rules of swallowing emotion and putting on a happy face. He simply didn't know how to cope with these interactions; and his 'shutting down' caused his wife to think that her needs weren't important and he didn't have time for her.

It wasn't until Sam was able to articulate these rules and see how they were affecting his life that he was able to consciously move away from them. He looked at the core belief driving these rules - which turned out to be "I'm a failure."  He learned new skills to help him to communicate with his wife and become more balanced in his work environment. Basically he was a lot happier and a lot less anxious.

Did you notice anything familiar in this story? Obviously every family is vastly different, but everybody has core beliefs, and everybody has these same rules or norms by which they live. Think about the last time you were anxious, or angry, or offended or disappointed. What was going on? Could there be any rules affecting how you interpret, feel about and react to what happened? Often we can expose these rules by the 'shoulds' that we say to ourselves. "I 'should' do this or that." Or "I must do this..." These rules will help us expose the negative beliefs we hold. "If the feared outcome happens, what will this say about me as a person?" What does it say about my identity?

Here's a few of the common beliefs that operate in our lives:

• If I do well, look good, say the right thing, then I'll be accepted. If I don't I'll be a disappointment - not good enough

• If I please you then you'll like me and accept me. If I say no to you or don't do what you want, you won't respect me and I'll be rejected.

• If you put your own needs first, you're selfish. You should always prioritise other people before yourself. I shouldn't say no.

• If I'm not achieving anything I'll be lazy and useless. If I relax I'll feel guilty.

• If I use my voice I'll be embarrassed.

• I can't show any weakness because I'll be taken advantage of. If I accept help, people will think I'm weak or incapable.

The list goes on and on. My point is this: these rules are supremely unhelpful and they prevent us living to the fullness of our capacity in life. They also cause conflict and offence in our relationships. They leave us feeling wounded and helpless. They are not good in any way! Let's do something about it eh? If this blog has resounded with you, let me encourage you to seek some professional help. Talk to someone who can walk you through this. Don't let these lies steal any more of your happiness!

Go well this week. Remember, if something pushes your buttons: Pause, Breathe and wonder "what's going on for me right now?" Before reacting, make sure you're not acting out of fear or shame. Break the cycle.

Lexi x

Singular Focus: Part 3

Hi Friends! I hope you had a great week last week (wherever in the world that you might be!) Here in NZ it's wet and stormy. Winter is upon us! I'm writing this sitting in my warm room with the wind howling and the rain hammering on the windows. I'm feeling very thankful that I have a roof over my head at the moment!

Last week I asked you to pause, breathe and examine any difficult or triggering situations you may find yourself in at the moment. Did you do that? Did you notice anything about the way you were reacting to the situation? Was the way you were reacting familiar? Were the feelings or emotions that you experienced ones that you tend to experience regularly? What was the internal monologue that you listened to about that situation?

The reason I ask these questions is that if we do have a 'singular focus' (or set of negative beliefs) that's affecting the way we perceive events in life - then it is likely that completely different people or circumstances will leave us feeling the same way - or saying the same negative things about ourselves.

Do you know what these beliefs are? Sometimes people call them Core Beliefs - or King Lies. The lies say: "I am......, Others are......., The world is........" (E.g.: I'm Weak, others are stronger or more capable than me, the world would be an unsafe place - one that I should be wary of). If I believed that I am Weak, I would consciously or unconsciously live in fear that others would find out - so I'd either have to make myself look strong all the time (never asking for help / not showing emotion in public / always being happy / never being vulnerable etc.). Or I'd be the complete opposite and live like the "I'm weak" is true. I'd never feel up to doing anything on my own. I'd always need someone else to help me; or I'd say "no" to positive opportunities that come my way, (because if I'm weak I'd probably fail or mess it up anyway).

Image Credit: Rachel Kelly

Everybody has these beliefs and they're all similar (weak, failure, unlovable, worthless, bad). Funnily enough, we all think we're the only one that thinks like that and that everybody else is 'normal.' It's usually only ourselves that we find it so easy to believe the negative about. It's not until we start recognising these beliefs for what they are - lies - and start deliberately challenging them; that we can start to make positive change in our lives.  

Why are they lies you ask; especially in the moment when they feel very true? Remember last week's blog? It's in those moments of pain or trauma as a child - when we start believing that the things people have said are true - or that the bad things that happened were my fault. And that lie is reinforced by our thinking and behaviour again and again for the rest of our lives - or until we do something about it.

For example, if I have recognised that I carry the belief of "I am weak" I could learn about all the different subtle ways it affects my life. I could acknowledge that if I'm upset or sad about something, I'm likely to 'put on a happy face' and pretend like everything's ok. So, I could instead make the choice to be vulnerable with close and trusted people in my life who I know can comfort me and give good advice. I could reframe my "I am weak" to the truth: "I am a good person who has strengths and weakness like anyone else. I can choose to let myself be vulnerable with safe people."

Learning to live without these "King Lies" affecting our lives is the journey of a lifetime - and it's a very important one. When we can understand why we think the way we do; and why we interpret different events the way we do; and why we react to certain people the way we do - then suddenly we are very powerful. No longer do our thoughts have the ability to sabotage our days. Suddenly we have the insight to understand what is going on in a situation and to make a good choice in the moment. This is hugely significant! We can act instead of reacting.

If some of what has been said over the last three weeks has resounded with you, I would encourage you to ponder this further. Often this area can be painful or confusing to work through on your own. Especially if there is past trauma or strong pain involved, I encourage you to seek professional help from someone trained in this area. Your local doctor will be able to refer you on to someone who can help - or just search up therapists in your area. Find someone you connect with. Even if you are managing well in life - but you still identify with all of the above - do something about it! Who doesn't want more joy in their lives?

As I read back over what I've written I realize that I started this blog on Monday - when it was wet and cold. Now it's Tuesday morning and, as per normal Auckland weather; the sun is now streaming through the window. Isn't that a great metaphor for change? When we're in the stormy seasons it's hard to remember that sunshine is coming. But it is. Don't allow yourself to be trapped by negative thinking - just because it feels normal. Life's too short to not throw yourself in 100% and wring as much goodness out of it that you can!

Lexi x

P.S. My book "Voices of Pain and the Voice of Hope" is designed to help you identify and move from patterns of negative thinking. Click on the link to the right or the Voices of Pain and the Voice of Hope tab find out more information and purchase the book!

Singular Focus: Part 2

A little while ago I learned a rather disturbing fact about the way Google and Facebook work. Did you know that if I search for something – and you search for the same thing from your computer – we’d both get completely different search results?? Just like on Facebook, the adds or ‘suggested posts’ that pop up on my feed will be different to the ones that pop up on yours. Why is this you ask?? Because search engines are designed to remember your preferences. Your history. Where you have been before. They remember your likes and your dislikes. They remember your location, your country and culture. That way they can feed you the information the search engine perceives you want to see. Whether or not the information is positive or negative; healthy or unhealthy – it’s all you’ll see. Interesting eh?

So why am I telling you this? Because our brains work exactly the same way.

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From the moment we are born we start learning and growing.  (Actually, we are already doing this in-utero too!) We learn straight away if the world is a safe place or not. Do my needs get met when I cry? Do I receive love and attention? We learn about our family, our culture; and what is normal or abnormal. Accepted or unaccepted. Nice or not nice. This information is coming in constantly – but not consciously. With our childish minds we accept everything we perceive and we label it ‘normal.’ We have no concept that someone else from a different family or from a different culture might have a completely different “normal” to us.

This same process happens with our belief systems. As we grow we are very egocentric – this isn’t about being consciously selfish; it’s about getting our needs met. A child is fully dependent on the adults around them to meet their needs (as they largely can’t do this for themselves). They are the centre of their own universe. 

All of the above is normal and healthy. Unfortunately, life isn’t always perfect. Our parents or caregivers aren’t perfect and so can’t possibly meet all our needs all the time. This egocentrism works against us here. A child will automatically assume that if something bad is happening it must have something to do with them. “If Mum and Dad are fighting, it must be because of me – something must be wrong with me.” We develop belief systems about ourselves, the world and others that sometimes doubt our ‘goodness’ or ‘ok-ness’ as an individual.

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These beliefs contribute heavily to how we perceive the world around us. They are like the ‘preferences’ on our internal search engine. They cause us to view and interpret the world in certain ways. For example, if I have an internal belief that says “I’m dumb,” I would probably believe that others are 'more important' or 'smarter' than me; and the world would quite possibly feel like an unsafe place – big and frightening. “I’m dumb” becomes like the filter through which I view the world. If I fail a test I’ll say “see, I’m dumb.” However if I pass a test, I’ll distort or ignore all information that doesn’t fit my belief. I’ll say “that was a fluke – or that was an easy test.” These beliefs (like the search engine) are very subtle – often we don’t even know they are working away in the background.

In the next couple of posts we’ll discuss this in more depth. But in the mean-time remember this: if there is something happening in your life at the moment; you might have different beliefs and rules that are causing you to interpret whatever is going on in a certain way. These interpretations may have strong emotions attached to them – whatever you are thinking will feel very ‘true.’

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BUT! Just like the search engine discounts a whole lot of other information – so does your brain. There might be different perspectives – alternate explanations – other information that you’re not seeing. There is ALWAYS more going on than what we immediately see. 

So, whatever the situation is that you’re in – make sure you Pause and Breathe before you act or react. Even if you don’t fully understand the filters through which you view the world; you definitely know that you have filters! The longer the pause the longer you get to consider what else might be going on.

Have a great week everybody!

Lexi